Hello everyone. I wanted to write this blog post because through a lot of self growth and mental healing I have finally come to the realization that I did not make it. I am still stuck at a job where I am struggling to meet the bare minimum performance requirements I am still writing an unfinished novel and I am still unsure about how to even start a business let alone how to carry it through to make it even something that has the remotest chance of making me money. I tried it all and failed at a lot of it. Growing up my parents had a lot of expectations from me and they made sure that they will give me all the love and attention that they can possibly give. But they didn’t know some of my sufferings. And that always had a toll on me and I kept pushing it down and shoving it down and wanting to make it all go away on my own. I started to live in my own dreamworld. One that was full of hot women, fairytales and dragons. Thank fully I somewhat grew out of it albeit not completely. The fairytales and dragons went away but the hot women stayed and they stayed for a long time. and I fell deep into porn addiction and webcam addiction and also lost a lot of money to it all. I am really glad that my family was able to support me through my addictions but the truth is that I only told them after things got really out of hand and I just didn’t know what else to do about it. Fortunately they were supportive and they wanted to see me succeed. I somehow held onto a job for a while but currently I am not sure if I will be able to continue with it. I will definitely not give up without trying though that’s for sure. Just wanted to put it out there because it has bothered me for a bit. It has bothered me because I have never really called myself a genius or anything even close to “smart” I always had loads and loads and loads of self doubt in me that never transformed into anything. And maybe that was the problem? Why did I always go into my shell? Why did I never ever believed in myself completely? I just kept telling myself if only I succeed at this particular thing I will be good and then for a while until I hit my 20s I did succeed at some of those things and failed at a few. But soon as the going got tough in the real world with a real job everything was painful. My head? hurt. My heart? broken. My stomach? always hungry. My wallet? mostly empty. I have made over 6 figure salary for over 6 years now and I still don’t have a decent enough saving that I can comfortably have a cushion for a few months. The truth is that I am probably going to stay this way for a long time. The pain might not ever go away. The hurt might sting really hard even 5 years from now. But one thing I am not going to do is give up. I will keep pivoting until I find my peace and until I find my place in the world. I am supposed to be a Genius right? then why haven’t I figured out why my brain keeps pushing me deep down into an abyss every time i want to actually start something or do something meaningful? Well the truth is that you cannot fix your car using your car, you need the right tools. I think I am still working on my tools I haven’t found the right mix of the tools yet but one thing is sure is that I have seen what success looks like. I have seen what it feels like to be on the other side of this self derailing train, the other side is a confident mind and body connection. The other side is a person that is not afraid of seeing something through to the end even if it means some pain along the way. You cannot make things easier than they need to be. Believe me I have tried. I was lazy and kept procrastinating about every single thing in my life. Even to get up out of bed sometimes. I cannot rely on my aging parents for much longer, no matter how scary the Universe is I have to face it head on. Sometimes alone if I have to. I have tried medication and that hasn’t work and I have tried meditation and that also hasn’t worked and I have tried just working over and over again and even that has left me drained multiple times. However, I know that somewhere in there lies the magic of balance. I have tried a lot of things and somewhere in there are the answers I am looking for. Instead of constantly tearing my life apart I will build it up and that’s the only thing that will be on my mind constantly is how to build up my life. Maybe I won’t ever make it. Maybe I will die alone or maybe I will suffer a fate worse than death. Maybe all of my past will come back to haunt me but at the end of the day, my focus will only be on, is this helping me build my life up? Or is this tearing my life down.
I am the Genius that did not make it
and I don't care
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